Ep. 46 : I'm a Recovering High Performer — Here's What It Actually Cost Me (Part 1)
What's the real cost of being the person who always has their shit together? Laura gets uncomfortably honest about the identity that was quietly wrecking her, and why "high performer" might be the label you need to put down.
Welcome to Season 2. And Laura is kicking it off by calling herself out. In this solo episode, she unpacks what it actually means to identify as a high performer, not the resume version, but the version with the stomach pains, the premature gray hair at 24, the clenched jaw, and the 16-hour days she was never compensated for.
She breaks down why the high performer identity isn't a badge of honor. It's a trap where your self-worth gets tied directly to your output, and the finish line never stops moving.
Laura introduces what she calls the "I've got this mask" — the armor that keeps you performing okayness even when you're drowning.
She walks through the moment at work when she was a functional lead for three separate workstreams with no real team support, asking for help while simultaneously being so masked that no one truly believed she needed it.
She traces exactly how that mask followed her home and shares one of the most vulnerable moments in this episode: the night she lost her cousin unexpectedly and, instead of calling anyone, curled up alone on the floor in a linen onesie in the dark because asking for support felt like a burden she wasn't allowed to have.
This is Part 1 of a two-part series, and Laura closes with a simple but powerful invitation: just notice.
Notice where the mask goes on.
Notice where you start to feel like an island.
No fixing required — just awareness.
"My worth was determined on how well I performed, not how well I was feeling."
— Laura Dionisio
If this episode felt like it was written about you — it wasn't an accident. You're probably ready to move out of the high performer identity and into whatever comes next.
👉 Book a free 20-min clarity call: [https://leadintactwithlaura.as.me/free-clarity-call](https://leadintactwithlaura.as.me/free-clarity-call)
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You made the move, or maybe you're about to, or maybe you're still in it, showing up, performing, delivering, while something quiet in the background keeps saying, "This is not it." Either way, something has shifted, and you can't un-know it. Here's what nobody tells you. The landing strip is a little rocky once you come down from the high of accomplishment.
There are moments of real excitement, real clarity, like, "Yes, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be." And then night comes, and the anxiety rolls in. The what-ifs, the what am I actually doing? Not because you made the wrong choice, by the way, but because you're standing in the space between who you were and who you're becoming.
Done pretending this is enough, done pushing through, done ignoring the thing that keeps pulling at you. That's exactly where this podcast lives. I'm Laura Dionisio, founder of Lead Intact, and I've been exactly where you are. The corporate success that stopped feeling like success, the leap that was equal parts terrifying and necessary, the messy, non-linear process of building something that actually fits, and learning to trust yourself through all of it.
This is the pivot point. Real conversations about what's actually happening beneath the surface, and what it takes to build a life that feels as good as it looks. Not just the wins, the attempts too. Because I'm not here to romanticize the journey. I'm here to show you what it's really like. Let's get into
it.
Speaker: Hi, my name's Laura Dionisio, and I am a recovering high performer. And yes, I do mean it like that because I have realized for the past year or so that it's no longer something I wanna identify as, and I'm gonna break down the reason as to why. If you also see yourself as a high performer, you might consider distancing yourself from that identity.
Speaker: First, I wanna say a warm welcome to season two. This is the first episode. I'm very excited to be at season two. So let's get into it. Let's talk about the identity of a high performer. If you are listening, you probably see yourself that way. I for sure identified as a high performer. I was known as a high performer, which led me to even think about y- yes, if I'm known as that, I am that.
Speaker: And today we're gonna walk through my personal journey on uncovering what exactly that means.
Speaker: And why this is important is because we celebrate high performers. Think about when you're in a corporate setting and you have your end of the performance review, you have high performer, as one of the top possible thing, depending on, how they break down the ratings and stuff.
Speaker: But we reward them. We celebrate them. We aim to be like them. But nobody talks about what happens behind the scenes and what it takes to be a, quote-unquote, "high performer," and what the cost is to the person who sees themselves or who is considered a high performer. And we're gonna change that, at least in this episode.
Speaker: This is probably gonna be a two-part episode because I really wanna take my time and go through each part of my uncovering journey. Okay, so let's get into it.
Speaker: So number one, when you're a high performer- Your self-worth is externally driven. Think about it. Now, you may not be thinking, "Oh, I don't think so. I love myself, and I know my worth." I thought the same way, too.
Speaker: But if you are saying to yourself over and over again, "I am a high performer," versus, "I'm a person who performs well," by the way, there's a distinction there, then what you're saying is you, your identity, is based on how well you perform. What happens when you don't perform? How do you start seeing yourself?
Speaker: Do you start to feel guilty? Do you start thinking, "Well, if I'm not producing quality work, then I'm lazy, that I'm worthless. And here's the thing, w- when you see yourself as a high performer, you start to get noticed, you start to get accolades, and you start to get opportunities that maybe others haven't.
Speaker: Like, I'll, I'll just give an example. I had always seen myself as a high performer.
Speaker: And I also got premature gray hair. Look, I know I can't prove it, but when I think back to who I was at 24, I remember having stomach pains. I remember, uh, I think I had TMJ or at least, like, it felt like it, like my jaw was always sore. I remember that I would chew gum constantly so as to remind myself not to clench my jaw so much.
Speaker: And yes, the premature gray hair, okay? My mom said that doesn't run in our family, at least not at 24, so I don't know. I don't know, y'all. I, I really think it was the high performer thing. And I just kept pushing myself, you know? Like, any time I would notice that my stomach was starting to churn, I'd be annoyed.
Speaker: Like, "Ugh, this is impeding my performance." Everything was about my performance, and you know what? I got awarded for it. I remember I was given this project with minimal training and high visibility and with deadlines every week because of the high visibility. And my reaction at the time was like, "Oh wow, you chose me? Bet. I've got this." I remember working 16-hour days. No, I was not getting paid for overtime because I was like, "Oh, but I'm known as the person who gets shit done.
Speaker: I cannot disappoint them." Who was them? Not me. I was starting to have physical, um, manifestations of stress. And I knew it was stress. And I would get mad at myself, but it didn't matter because my worth was determined on how well I performed, not how well I was feeling.
Speaker: Does that sound familiar? But hey, I got an award from the customer out of it. I got an award from the company I was working for at the time. I got a bonus. I got an out of cycle raise and a promotion. And here's the thing, when your sense of self-worth is externally driven by how well you perform, that means you're never done.
Speaker: You hit the finish line of whatever deadline, whatever project you're working on, and maybe you celebrate for like two seconds. "Yay me." And you know what happens next? You're like that means I have to keep up." So now the finish line has just moved forward, and it keeps moving forward.
Speaker: There's no rest stop.
Speaker: And in order for me to keep up appearance, so to speak, I had developed an I've-got-this mask. And what does that mean when you have a mask? It means that I didn't really allow people to see how I was really feeling. I remember I was going through, uh, a breakup in my 20s, a significant relationship at the time.
Speaker: The man I thought I was gonna marry, spend the rest of my life with, all that. I was not doing well. And when my coworkers who noticed that not that I... I still was meeting my deadlines because, again, high performer, but they were just like, "You seem a little distracted." Did not say what was going on.
Speaker: And look, I do get that a professional space isn't the time for me to, like, have a breakdown and, like, cry about what was happening. But not only did I not even mention anything at all, even a simple like, "Oh yeah, life's been a little rough lately," I think is appropriate in a professional setting. I didn't say any of that.
Speaker: I was just like, "Oh yeah, I didn't have my coffee yet, ha ha." Because I've got this mask of I've got this. And to me, that meant I will never show when I'm off. I will never show when I'm struggling. I will never show if I have any sort of self-doubt, any fears, any of that, because I've got this
Speaker: and then I- Developed other accessories that go along with I've got this mask called, "If I don't do that, no one else will," or, " If I don't do it, it won't get done right," or, "Why am I the only one who cares?" Have you said any of those things before? Does this sound familiar? I'm calling myself out just as I am you.
Speaker: But I really want you to think about this. When you have the identity of I've got this, I'm a high performer, why would people ask you for help? Why would they think, "Oh, yeah, Laura are you okay?" They wouldn't, because I always had this mask of I've got this. So let me tell you, like, how this showed up at work and how it impacted my performance even though I was still, quote-unquote, "Performing well."
Speaker: So I was at a project, and I remember expressing, like, "Hey, this is a big project. I'm a functional lead for three different things. I need a team to do the work because I cannot both facilitate all these meetings between our customers and our other functional leads and do the work of my team. I cannot do that."
Speaker: Here's the problem. Because I was a high performer and I've been wearing the mask of I've got this for so long, even though I was expressing, "Hey, this is an issue," I was drowning and nobody could really see it. They were just like, "Oh, okay, yeah, I hear you." But I was still meeting the, the deadlines-ish, and they're like, " You know, we hear you.
Speaker: We, we will do what we can." Meanwhile, like sometimes I would get a team in this particular job and then they'd get taken away, and then I would get a new team and I'd have to retrain them, taken away, and this just kept happening. And I was just like, "What is going on?" And so I started to feel really resentful, really irritated, really like, " Why is nobody seeing that I am struggling?"
Speaker: Well, guess what? When you've got a mask of I've got this, then no one will see you struggling even if you say it.
Speaker: So okay. So I talked about, okay, one, your self-worth is externally driven if you see yourself as a high performer. Two, you develop an I've got this mask. Which comes with an accessory of if I don't do it, no one will, or why doesn't anyone else care but me, or if I don't do it, it won't get done right. And three, the mask, the I've got this mask, turns you into an island. And so this is what I was saying, like, at work, I was like, "Hey, man, I'm drowning, I'm drowning." But I I don't know, like, I was so deep into the I've got this mask and I'm a high performer that in some ways I don't think I was really taken seriously, and I know that sounds awful, and we can sit here and say, "Oh, it's all their fault," but let me tell you something.
Speaker: When you point to everybody else, "Why don't they see me? Why don't they take me seriously?" That is essentially giving your power away, and I'm not about that. And I recognize that I was, like, pointing fingers, and it doesn't matter if it's true, because if it's true, then what?
Speaker: You just stay stuck forever drowning? You know? Like, that's not how I see it.
Speaker: What matters is, like, look, I wanna acknowledge that if you are feeling this way, nobody sees me, I'm drowning, I'm asking for help, nobody's helping, I wanna acknowledge you and say, "Wow, that really fucking sucks.
Speaker: I've been there." And let's zoom out and think about what else could be true. What could be true is that you have so earned the I've got my shit together or, like, I've got this reputation
Speaker: that people just don't think to help you, and that really fucking sucks. So what are you gonna do about it? Maybe you can lower the mask of I've got this and let somebody actually see, look I'm really having a hard time. And I tell you what. I thought I was doing that, but when I really reflected back on, like, how I asked for help, I think I just presented myself so much as a high performer, as like I've got this, that it would've behooved me to show a little bit of emotion of, like, I'm really stressed the fuck out right now.
Speaker: Not because we wanna use emotion as, like, a tool, but just so you appear fucking human. Okay? Because I'll, I'll tell you a story. So it wasn't until, The pandemic happened and I was just like, " Oh, fuck this." I'm done with pretending everything's okay. And so sometimes my coworker would be like, "Hey Laura, how are you doing?"
Speaker: I'm like, "Not great. Not great. I've got no support, and this, and this." And then, you know, we'd laugh about it, we'd talk. But you know what ended up happening is the more honest I was with my coworkers, the more honest they were with me, and then the more they asked me " how can I help?"
Speaker: And you know what? At that particular time, even though I still didn't get the team that I wanted, suddenly I had my other coworkers from different teams helping me, and that is because I finally let go of the I've got this mask, and I was just like, "Let me be real with you" mask. 'Cause like I don't got this.
Speaker: I barely got this, okay? And here's the thing. If you see yourself as a high performer at work, sure you'll be celebrated. I certainly was. And you'll be like the favorite of your boss because they never have to think about you, right? Never have to worry about you, so to speak.
Speaker: But it doesn't just make you an island at work.
Speaker: It carries over into your personal life. So I really want you to think about this. When you've said things in a work capacity like, "I've got this. I have to make sure that, it looks like I have my shit together. I have to manage and handle everyone else,"
Speaker: can you think of a time in your personal life where you also kind of took up the mantle of I've got this, I need to make sure everyone's taken care of, right? I have.
Speaker: And I remember, I was doing my thing, living my life and then my cousin unexpectedly passed, and, um, he was only 41 or 42 at the time.
Speaker: But because I
Speaker: had the identity of I've got this, again, I didn't realize that I took my I've got this mask from work and put it on in my personal life as well. It was like melded to my face. When I first heard the news, I did not know what to do with myself.
Speaker: And I remember thinking, " I really just wanna be held right now," but like my closest friends, they're not local I didn't wanna bother them, right? This is the thing, when you have the mask of I've got this, you think that trying to speak up for your own needs is a bother. And then I remember thinking, "Okay, I have local friends, and I could call them," but I didn't want it.
Speaker: I didn't want them to see me like this. Why? Because it interfered with my mask of I've got this. I didn't know this at the time. Okay, but this is... I'm just being so honest with you so I can... So if you are seeing yourself in my story, you know that a high performer isn't just something that you put on at work.
Speaker: Like, it impacts your personal life as well. And I just remember, I put on this snuggy, like, um, like honestly, it was a line onesie. I was going through a phase where it was just really... It was a cold winter in Upstate New York, where I lived at the time, and so I had this thing where I would wear a line onesie.
Speaker: And I remember wearing it because it was the closest I could get to a hug. And I remember just falling to my floor in the dark and just sobbing in fetal position. And just, just completely just meltdown, okay?
Speaker: It makes me really sad to think about now. But looking back, it's because it was so foreign to me to ask for support that even in the most devastating time in my life, I did not think to reach out. I was like, "No, but I've, I've got this. I've got me."
Speaker 2: I chose that story specifically when I was prepping for this episode because, you know, I wanna be honest about the cost of being a high performer. Yes, your job probably really loves it, and even there, there's an impact. If you don't allow other people to support you to see that you need help from time to time, then you won't get the help that you need, and you will not be able to succeed even more than if you had been doing it alone.
Speaker 2: And there is a real personal cost to seeing yourself as a high performer, to having that I've got this mask, to becoming an island, essentially. There's a cost to that.
Speaker 2: And so we're gonna continue on in the next episode. There's so much more to unpack there. But for now, if you resonated with this, here's what I invite you to do in the next week or so.
Speaker 2: Just notice, notice where are you being a high performer, whether it's at work or in your personal life, where do you feel that mask coming on of performing okayness, of performing I've got this? And just notice. Where do you start to feel like you're an island, you know? And you can tell you feel like an island because you say things like, "Why doesn't anyone see me?
Speaker 2: Why isn't anyone asking me if I need help? Why is it always on me?" Just notice. Just notice there's nothing to do other than to gain awareness. And if this episode really resonated with you, if you are feeling like, "Holy shit, how did she read my fucking diary?"
Speaker 2: It's not by accident. That tells me that you're ready to move on from the identity of being a high performer into the next phase of life, whatever that looks like for you. If that's the case, let's talk. Book a free 20 minute clarity call at www.leadintact.com/booking. And with that, I'll see you in the next episode
if this episode hit something in you, good. That's not an accident. The discomfort you're feeling isn't a sign that something's wrong with you. It's a sign that you're done. Done living in the eh, done waiting for it to magically feel better, done being really good at a life that doesn't actually fit you anymore.
And if good enough stopped being good enough a long time ago, that's exactly who I work with. I'm Laura Dionisio. I'm a coach for high achievers who are done pretending that checking the boxes is enough, and are ready to do something about it. If that's you, let's talk. Book a free clarity call at leadintact.com/booking.
We'll figure out together what's actually going on and what your next aligned step looks like. And if you're not quite there yet, that's okay too. Subscribe so you don't miss the next episode. Share this with a friend who needs to hear it. You probably already know exactly who that is. And with that, I'll see you next time.